Well the freak out in my last post wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't do spectacular on the test but really no one did. It was worth 5% of our grade in three classes and was more like a practice test and indicator for all of us. Now that I know what the tests are like though I've been able to change my study habits slightly and adapt. Midterms are two weeks away. Which is why I'm up at 6:30 AM on a Saturday, time to start reviewing on top of the normal work load.
I come from a family that identifies itself as two things when it comes to careers, Nursing and the NYPD. Growing up in a family like that you hear alot about the benefits of paramilitary training. Discipline, discipline, discipline. Your boss tells you to kick in a door that has heavily armed crack heads behind it, what do you do? You sure as hell do it and rely on the fact that the men around are just as disciplined as you and are rushing in right behind you. Now one would think those kinds of ideals and techniques in training have no use here. Why would anyone want to be like a soldier in medical school?
I beg to differ, in fact, I've begun to model myself just like one.
The discipline has obvious positive ramifications. The guys are going out three days in a row to have a few drinks, as tempting as it is you are disciplined enough to decline without a second thought and hit the books. You've been studying for 6 hours and still have 3 hours more of material to cover in a short amount of time. Discipline keeps you to a schedule so you know you can get it done and still have time for sleep.
No fear. Soldiers stereotypically have no fear, however in the real world sure they get scared of alot of things. One thing that they do lose the fear of is being uncomfortable. They get used to the idea that there will be times where comfort must be traded to get a job done. Here in medical school, comfort is not always a luxury. So as I said in my last post, bring the pain.
A soldier never quits. This is an important one. There are going to be times where you will be discouraged, there will be tasks that seem impossible, you have to endure. Endurance, stamina, and constantly pushing forward is an enormous chunk of medical school.You keep fighting until your last breath or you might as well leave now.
Train, train, train. This whole experience is like a prolonged boot camp. It's meant to do what boot camp for the army does, break us down and rebuild us. Not to mention also to weed out the undesirables. Our very perception of the world itself is being changed on a daily basis by our training. Our thought processes and how we learn is evolving at an exponential rate from the amount of information we're taking in. By the time we are doctors we're all going to be very different people. All of our preconceived notions of medicine are being shattered and the real picture is being built, all of our social sensibilities and morals are being or will be challenged by the choices we sometimes have to make as physicians. We are being destroyed and rebuilt from the ground up.
So what do I want to be like?
I want to be an Airborne Ranger.
So it's 6:30AM and I'm about to go for a run, and then hit the books after a shower. By noon I'll have learned the entire abdominal cavity with any luck.
And now completely off topic is my song of the week.
"The bricks get laid,
and they get torn up,
and laid again,
but the bricks always get torn up again.
Your friends won't wait,
so don't believe that shit,
when they say they'll wait.
Trust me; your friends will not wait for you.
Then you'll be stoned in some park,
just nodding your head and pinching your arms,
when a girl walks along.
She's humming your song,
with your t-shirt on.
That's when you're done,
Oh, that's when you're done
There's a cotton crush
down in the southern states.
But back up here, man, we've got
so much thread and space
to waste, waste, waste.
There's a microphone
picking every word up
and it shuts itself off
when it's sure that's its heard enough
The quiet can scrape
all the calm from your bones,
but maybe it should.
Maybe we need to be hollowed
to get up and grow,
and stop fucking around,
to kick off our braces and start straightening out.
Let's sift through the static
to find a simpler sound
Let's sift through the static
to find a simpler sound
simpler sound than the shit that's clouding our heads now"
- Kevin Devine - "Cotton Crush"
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bring the Pain...for what though?
So in an attempt to procrastinate even more at 1 AM, in a severely sleep deprived state, I decided to take ten minutes out of my study time to post. It is Friday, 1 AM, and on Monday at 9 AM all first term students have a test. This test will be in the topics of Biochemistry, Gross Anatomy, and Histology. It will test everything we've learned in those topics thus far. It is 5% of our grade. Why are we freaking out about it? (Many of us ARE freaking about it.)
Well one month of med school is tantamount to an entire semester in undergrad as far as material or at least it seems that way to me. This being our first exam, our first indicator of progress, makes it important. It seems as if we're all desperately arching our neck forward, trying to get one last suckle at the breast that was undergrad style learning: frequent tests, spoon fed material, extra credit, so on. We twitch like crack addicts, having no official indicator of just how well we're doing, no real reason on a daily basis to make sure we're right on top of our material. That right there ladies and gentlemen is exactly what we're terrified of: suddenly we're only accountable to ourselves for our education. Gone are the days where a professor would email you to remind you that you have a paper due, homework that forced you to comprehend a topic that night on the prof's schedule, tests that if you did bad on you could always make it up on the next one. Welcome to the Socratic method of medical education.
"I want an A."
Why?
Fact: Most American medical schools are PASS/FAIL
Fact: The only real thing that gets you a residency spot is your USMLE steps and your clinical year evaluations.
I smell the competitive nature in us all creeping out. If we're here, we're half way intelligent, driven, and goal oriented. Of course we'll strive to do our best right now. However, I don't think that's the main reason why so many of us are freaking out over this tiny test. I think if we do poorly we have to come to one undeniable conclusion which is we have only ourselves to blame and all the work we feel like we've done since arriving was for nothing. We will be, in essence, not cut out for this.
Is that really true though?
I don't think so, but the feeling is still prevalent. Thus my new living quarters for the past few days, Taylor Study Hall. I've embraced the sleep deprivation, the taste of stale coffee that lingers on my lips, and the half dead bloodshot look I have in the morning.
Bring the pain, not because I need it, but because when it stops it feels so good to be able to say "Yea, I did that. Crazy, right?" It's a way to teach us to stay on our material, to build character, and apparently a rite of passage around here. I think the upper termers enjoy watching us squirm before unifieds, it reminds them of how foolish they themselves once were.
By the way, biochemistry is an evil topic and after I graduate if I ever hear someone bring it up in jest I might just beat them. Brutally. Not because I'm angry at them but I think I might actually be developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder just from this class. That'll seem really funny when I get to pathology though, I'll probably pray for biochem again.
On an unrelated note, I miss the states. I miss New York. I miss grocery stores that actually have food. I miss driving on the right side of the road. I miss my friends, my family, and my girlfriend. You'd think I'm homesick but I don't have time to be. I don't have time to feel anything other than stressed and busy. Maybe after Monday it'll hit me, and thats ok, after that test I'll be sitting on the beach with a few beers and my peers (I'm a poet, who knew) and we'll all be getting hit by the gravity of everything at once I figure, it'll be the first time in weeks we make it back to the surface to pull in a breath.
We drank bottled water together and talked business.
I think I played the right moves.
You were lookin' over my shoulder,
as I went through the motions of another night,
And it was alright,
'cause I thought I knew who everybody was just by lookin' at them.
My heart is anywhere but here,
and how tired I was from the past couple of weeks,
From the past couple of years.
Well, it hit me all at once,
On a balcony overlooking nothing,
With snow falling all around,
Well I, I called just to say 'Goodnight'.
And you hadn't done anything wrong,
And know, really, really, it's me not you.
I can't believe how naive I was to think things could ever be so simple,
And can you live with what you know about yourself,
When you're all alone, behind closed doors?
The things we never said, but we always knew were right there.
It's got me on my knees in a bathroom,
Praying to a God that I don't even believe in,
'Well, dear Jesus, are you listening?
If this is the one chance that really matters,
Well, don't let me fuck this up.
If you'd told me about all this when I was fifteen,
I never would have believed it.'
-Against Me! "Tonight we're gonna give it 35%"
Well one month of med school is tantamount to an entire semester in undergrad as far as material or at least it seems that way to me. This being our first exam, our first indicator of progress, makes it important. It seems as if we're all desperately arching our neck forward, trying to get one last suckle at the breast that was undergrad style learning: frequent tests, spoon fed material, extra credit, so on. We twitch like crack addicts, having no official indicator of just how well we're doing, no real reason on a daily basis to make sure we're right on top of our material. That right there ladies and gentlemen is exactly what we're terrified of: suddenly we're only accountable to ourselves for our education. Gone are the days where a professor would email you to remind you that you have a paper due, homework that forced you to comprehend a topic that night on the prof's schedule, tests that if you did bad on you could always make it up on the next one. Welcome to the Socratic method of medical education.
"I want an A."
Why?
Fact: Most American medical schools are PASS/FAIL
Fact: The only real thing that gets you a residency spot is your USMLE steps and your clinical year evaluations.
I smell the competitive nature in us all creeping out. If we're here, we're half way intelligent, driven, and goal oriented. Of course we'll strive to do our best right now. However, I don't think that's the main reason why so many of us are freaking out over this tiny test. I think if we do poorly we have to come to one undeniable conclusion which is we have only ourselves to blame and all the work we feel like we've done since arriving was for nothing. We will be, in essence, not cut out for this.
Is that really true though?
I don't think so, but the feeling is still prevalent. Thus my new living quarters for the past few days, Taylor Study Hall. I've embraced the sleep deprivation, the taste of stale coffee that lingers on my lips, and the half dead bloodshot look I have in the morning.
Bring the pain, not because I need it, but because when it stops it feels so good to be able to say "Yea, I did that. Crazy, right?" It's a way to teach us to stay on our material, to build character, and apparently a rite of passage around here. I think the upper termers enjoy watching us squirm before unifieds, it reminds them of how foolish they themselves once were.
By the way, biochemistry is an evil topic and after I graduate if I ever hear someone bring it up in jest I might just beat them. Brutally. Not because I'm angry at them but I think I might actually be developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder just from this class. That'll seem really funny when I get to pathology though, I'll probably pray for biochem again.
On an unrelated note, I miss the states. I miss New York. I miss grocery stores that actually have food. I miss driving on the right side of the road. I miss my friends, my family, and my girlfriend. You'd think I'm homesick but I don't have time to be. I don't have time to feel anything other than stressed and busy. Maybe after Monday it'll hit me, and thats ok, after that test I'll be sitting on the beach with a few beers and my peers (I'm a poet, who knew) and we'll all be getting hit by the gravity of everything at once I figure, it'll be the first time in weeks we make it back to the surface to pull in a breath.
We drank bottled water together and talked business.
I think I played the right moves.
You were lookin' over my shoulder,
as I went through the motions of another night,
And it was alright,
'cause I thought I knew who everybody was just by lookin' at them.
My heart is anywhere but here,
and how tired I was from the past couple of weeks,
From the past couple of years.
Well, it hit me all at once,
On a balcony overlooking nothing,
With snow falling all around,
Well I, I called just to say 'Goodnight'.
And you hadn't done anything wrong,
And know, really, really, it's me not you.
I can't believe how naive I was to think things could ever be so simple,
And can you live with what you know about yourself,
When you're all alone, behind closed doors?
The things we never said, but we always knew were right there.
It's got me on my knees in a bathroom,
Praying to a God that I don't even believe in,
'Well, dear Jesus, are you listening?
If this is the one chance that really matters,
Well, don't let me fuck this up.
If you'd told me about all this when I was fifteen,
I never would have believed it.'
-Against Me! "Tonight we're gonna give it 35%"
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I'm an American abroad...
So after a long and tiring selection and application process you get accepted to the best foreign medical school in the Caribbean. After months of paperwork back and forth, plane tickets, travel arrangements, and trying to figure out if you'll actually get half the things you personally find essential to life down there you hop on a plane. The flight is long, possibly with layovers, and when you get off the plane and step right onto the tarmac of the runway since the airport in Grenada is so small they don't actually have terminals you look around. Wow. I finally made it.
Then you find half your luggage is missing, the customs people don't believe the price you claim you paid for your laptop and charge double the tax for it, the humidity is making you sweat so much you think you can start a public pool facility in your armpit. You arrive to campus, drop your stuff in your room, and then the school treats you to several days of free time with little orientation lectures here and there.
Those few days are like a vacation in a tropical paradise. Then class starts. Anatomy slams you in the face like some huge guy smacking you with a sock full of quarters, Biochem isn't bad if you had it already in undergrad but if you didn't be comfortable with the idea of crying fairly often, and the upper termers fill you with dread as they tell horror stories and rumors about things they heard that are being changed in the curriculum this term.
Take a breath. Step back. Look around. Everyone else around you is in the same spot as you. Oh and by the way most of those rumors aren't true.
After three weeks I've figured alot of that out. My study habits are forming. My group of friends/study partners is evolving. My mindset has now switched gears from "Oh crap, I'm dead." to "Bring it on, you don't scare me." I'd be lying if I said nothing scares me here, but if you keep repeating it sometimes it feels true. Denial can be a powerful tool. The advice from upper termers? Take it, but filter it. Everyone has different ways of learning. One persons gold book of review could be another's kindling for a beach fire pit.
Groceries are expensive, the cab drivers/bus drivers are easy to haggle with, and try the blackened chicken 'cause it's damn good.
Oh, and at least one day a week take the night off. Go to a bar with friends, hit the beach, watch a movie, whatever. Do something to unwind. Otherwise you just might end up losing your mind all together.
And now...lyrics...cause I like them.
"Golden arches risin' above the next overpass
These horizons are endless
Americans abroad! Americans abroad!
Profit driven expansion into foreign markets
And while I hope I'm not like them, I'm not so sure
This is the best summer that I've ever had
European Vacation, me and my best friends
Americans abroad! Americans abroad!
Whatever there is to be said is said in English
And while I hope I'm not like them, I'm not sure
Here we are, a rock band looking for new audiences
Wherever we go, Coca-Cola's already been
Americans abroad! Americans abroad!
And I just can't help but think that there's nothing in sight
And while I hope I'm not like them, I'm not sure"
Against Me! - Americans Abroad
Then you find half your luggage is missing, the customs people don't believe the price you claim you paid for your laptop and charge double the tax for it, the humidity is making you sweat so much you think you can start a public pool facility in your armpit. You arrive to campus, drop your stuff in your room, and then the school treats you to several days of free time with little orientation lectures here and there.
Those few days are like a vacation in a tropical paradise. Then class starts. Anatomy slams you in the face like some huge guy smacking you with a sock full of quarters, Biochem isn't bad if you had it already in undergrad but if you didn't be comfortable with the idea of crying fairly often, and the upper termers fill you with dread as they tell horror stories and rumors about things they heard that are being changed in the curriculum this term.
Take a breath. Step back. Look around. Everyone else around you is in the same spot as you. Oh and by the way most of those rumors aren't true.
After three weeks I've figured alot of that out. My study habits are forming. My group of friends/study partners is evolving. My mindset has now switched gears from "Oh crap, I'm dead." to "Bring it on, you don't scare me." I'd be lying if I said nothing scares me here, but if you keep repeating it sometimes it feels true. Denial can be a powerful tool. The advice from upper termers? Take it, but filter it. Everyone has different ways of learning. One persons gold book of review could be another's kindling for a beach fire pit.
Groceries are expensive, the cab drivers/bus drivers are easy to haggle with, and try the blackened chicken 'cause it's damn good.
Oh, and at least one day a week take the night off. Go to a bar with friends, hit the beach, watch a movie, whatever. Do something to unwind. Otherwise you just might end up losing your mind all together.
And now...lyrics...cause I like them.
"Golden arches risin' above the next overpass
These horizons are endless
Americans abroad! Americans abroad!
Profit driven expansion into foreign markets
And while I hope I'm not like them, I'm not so sure
This is the best summer that I've ever had
European Vacation, me and my best friends
Americans abroad! Americans abroad!
Whatever there is to be said is said in English
And while I hope I'm not like them, I'm not sure
Here we are, a rock band looking for new audiences
Wherever we go, Coca-Cola's already been
Americans abroad! Americans abroad!
And I just can't help but think that there's nothing in sight
And while I hope I'm not like them, I'm not sure"
Against Me! - Americans Abroad
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