From a Whisper to a Scream

A little over two weeks since my last post. Time is short these days unfortunately. That's not to say I haven't wasted time, because I have, but it was spent more reading non-school related things and watching TV on the few occasions I slacked off. So one might wonder, where are we in the time line of events leading us home? We're nearing the end is where we are, but not quite there yet.

As the title of the post indicates, the work after midterms seemed to start off as a sweet whisper that quickly and without warning turned into an ear shattering scream. From the contents of the PT fossa to the finer points of nitrogen metabolism not a day goes by that I can say "I'm totally caught up." I may have given all the material to date a read, and fully understood the concepts, however the amount of memorization is simply far too much for me to accomplish the night we receive it, and in some cases, even by the end of the week.

This however doesn't worry me so much, it's coming along a piece at a time and my pace was great minus the enormous wall I hit last week and broke through by the end of the weekend. Last week I would definitely say I had this strange wave of melancholy and general malaise that gripped me hard and wouldn't let go. I got past it though by the weekend simply by staring at the material I had fallen behind on that week, it was a jaw dropping amount.

The days are passing quickly now, weeks melding into one another, and off blur of a day in/day out routine continuing with little variation. The goal is in sight. Not finals, finals are not a goal but merely an event in my way.

Getting on that plane home is a goal.

The strange mix of carbon emissions, sewers, subways, and city air will fill my lungs once more in less than a month and I couldn't be more eager to take that first breath outside JFK. I miss NYC like a land locked sailor longs for the sea. I didn't think it would be like this but everyday I walk out my door I can feel something, like sideways gravity, pulling me to a body on the east coast like the sun pulls the planets or the earth pulls us. For now I ignore it, but soon enough I'll give in and that is the day I eagerly await.

Until then? Work, work, work, and oh yes. Did I mention? Some more work. Cramming random coenzymes, inhibitory chemicals, deficits and build ups, arteries, communicating branches, bones and nerves. What they look like, feel like, smell like, where they lie and whats near them. I could say I hate it, but I'd be lying. As much as I have a distaste for biochemistry especially and for how little these facts will matter when I hit the clinical years, every piece of knowledge I gain makes me feel stronger. The more I master, the more I feel empowered. Every little piece will somehow add to the arsenal I'm slowly acquiring.

The eventual enemy?

Human suffering, disease, and death.

That's the other goal, the far off one, the other one I await to reach anxiously.

The day I get to beat death for the first time, from what I've heard it's one hell of an addictive rush.

Would this be a Punk Doctor's blog without a song? Absolutely not.

You, you try, you try to get by.
"You're never going to pull it off",
"You shouldn't even try"
"You're a wet cigarette",
"You're always second best",
But they're never going to give a shit about anybody but themselves.
So you fight for them to realize;
There's more to life,
There's more to you,
There's more than meets the eye.
And when you're done, the battle's been won.
You sit back, you smile and this is what you hum,
You hum: whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh 12341234....

You, you try, you try to get by.
"You're never going to pull it off",
"You shouldn't even try"
"You're a wet cigarette",
"You're always second best",
But they're never going to give a shit about anybody but themselves.
You fight for them to realize;
There's more to life,
There's more to you,
There's more than meets the eye.
And when you're done, the battle's been won.
You sit back, you smile and this is what you hum,
You hum: whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh 12341234....

The years go by, the time it does fly.
Every single second is a moment in time
That passes oh, so quick and it seems like nothing,
But when you're looking back, well it amounts to everything.
I've got myself. I've got my friends.
I've got my little family, but that's not where it ends.
This one goes out to you, it goes out to everyone.
It's in the name of honesty because life has just begun.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh 12341234....

Look around little brother, can you tell me what you see?
You're a big boy now, so take responsibility.
You never had it hard, but now it's getting tough,
So you whine, whine, whine and you say you've had enough.
You say I'm full of shit, that I'm a hypocrite
I shouldn't talk, when I can't take the advice that I give?
Well maybe you're right, but open your eyes:
The main difference here is that I try, try, try.
-Catch 22 1234, 1234

Time Capsule Student

The Easter weekend has been filled with excitement for me. Ok, thats a lie. It's mostly been spent working or procrastinating. None the less I figured it was a good time for a post. Things are kicking up to the next gear here as we head into head and neck in anatomy and keep trucking along full speed in biochem and histo. So far I've been keeping up fairly well or so I think I am, time will tell. This post's topic is something I had to think about for a little since it was such an odd concept to me at first.

All of us here are in a time capsule.

You're all scratching your heads and wondering what in God's name I'm saying. Yes, I may be slightly psychotic, but I'm not incoherent yet. Allow me to explain.

So all of us here basically have fully detached from our lives at home. At home life is moving on without us at the same speed it ever did. All of our friends and loved ones are moving forward in their lives for better or for worse. Progress is being made in their lives, children are growing up, jobs are being gained and lost, etc. Our friends whom during hard times relied on us and in good times celebrated them with us are still doing these things, only without us. Yet we here are stagnant. We progress through classes of course, through our path to the MD, absolutely. Emotionally, mentally, intellectually we're growing at an exponential rate however our lives are remaining in one spot with no progress. That's for me anyway, and I can only speak for myself and generalize. As far as I'm concerned my life is at home, it will move forward at home, and be lived at home. Being here is like hitting a pause button, only when I walk away the song keeps playing. When I get home, who knows what the song will be like or in other words the way my life fit into the grand scheme of things at home may have changed dramatically without actually having been there to see the progression to that point. I'll have alot of catching up and adjusting to do.

Is this a bad thing?
I have no idea. It'll be interesting at the very least.

What I do hope for though is that when I return the helping hands I always relied on outside of my family will still be there, and that they'll understand that when I'm at home my helping hand is always there.

There's a girl at home (Isn't there always a girl in every great story? I like to think so.) and she's waiting for me. She's not doing great at the moment with the way the job market is so today's post will be wrapped up with lyrics from a song that will surely make her smile. She used to live in Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn and I'd often go through that area alone to see her, which at some point would lead to me singing her this song in my terrible and off key voice along with the car stereo as I shot down the BQE (And I can already feel my father's blood pressure rising from 1000 miles away as he reads the part about me travelling there at night alone.)

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I'm sorry
Sunday came and trashed it out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I'm insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
'Cause you might enjoy some madness for a while

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
You may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
- Billy Joel "You May Be Right"