So in an attempt to procrastinate even more at 1 AM, in a severely sleep deprived state, I decided to take ten minutes out of my study time to post. It is Friday, 1 AM, and on Monday at 9 AM all first term students have a test. This test will be in the topics of Biochemistry, Gross Anatomy, and Histology. It will test everything we've learned in those topics thus far. It is 5% of our grade. Why are we freaking out about it? (Many of us ARE freaking about it.)
Well one month of med school is tantamount to an entire semester in undergrad as far as material or at least it seems that way to me. This being our first exam, our first indicator of progress, makes it important. It seems as if we're all desperately arching our neck forward, trying to get one last suckle at the breast that was undergrad style learning: frequent tests, spoon fed material, extra credit, so on. We twitch like crack addicts, having no official indicator of just how well we're doing, no real reason on a daily basis to make sure we're right on top of our material. That right there ladies and gentlemen is exactly what we're terrified of: suddenly we're only accountable to ourselves for our education. Gone are the days where a professor would email you to remind you that you have a paper due, homework that forced you to comprehend a topic that night on the prof's schedule, tests that if you did bad on you could always make it up on the next one. Welcome to the Socratic method of medical education.
"I want an A."
Why?
Fact: Most American medical schools are PASS/FAIL
Fact: The only real thing that gets you a residency spot is your USMLE steps and your clinical year evaluations.
I smell the competitive nature in us all creeping out. If we're here, we're half way intelligent, driven, and goal oriented. Of course we'll strive to do our best right now. However, I don't think that's the main reason why so many of us are freaking out over this tiny test. I think if we do poorly we have to come to one undeniable conclusion which is we have only ourselves to blame and all the work we feel like we've done since arriving was for nothing. We will be, in essence, not cut out for this.
Is that really true though?
I don't think so, but the feeling is still prevalent. Thus my new living quarters for the past few days, Taylor Study Hall. I've embraced the sleep deprivation, the taste of stale coffee that lingers on my lips, and the half dead bloodshot look I have in the morning.
Bring the pain, not because I need it, but because when it stops it feels so good to be able to say "Yea, I did that. Crazy, right?" It's a way to teach us to stay on our material, to build character, and apparently a rite of passage around here. I think the upper termers enjoy watching us squirm before unifieds, it reminds them of how foolish they themselves once were.
By the way, biochemistry is an evil topic and after I graduate if I ever hear someone bring it up in jest I might just beat them. Brutally. Not because I'm angry at them but I think I might actually be developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder just from this class. That'll seem really funny when I get to pathology though, I'll probably pray for biochem again.
On an unrelated note, I miss the states. I miss New York. I miss grocery stores that actually have food. I miss driving on the right side of the road. I miss my friends, my family, and my girlfriend. You'd think I'm homesick but I don't have time to be. I don't have time to feel anything other than stressed and busy. Maybe after Monday it'll hit me, and thats ok, after that test I'll be sitting on the beach with a few beers and my peers (I'm a poet, who knew) and we'll all be getting hit by the gravity of everything at once I figure, it'll be the first time in weeks we make it back to the surface to pull in a breath.
We drank bottled water together and talked business.
I think I played the right moves.
You were lookin' over my shoulder,
as I went through the motions of another night,
And it was alright,
'cause I thought I knew who everybody was just by lookin' at them.
My heart is anywhere but here,
and how tired I was from the past couple of weeks,
From the past couple of years.
Well, it hit me all at once,
On a balcony overlooking nothing,
With snow falling all around,
Well I, I called just to say 'Goodnight'.
And you hadn't done anything wrong,
And know, really, really, it's me not you.
I can't believe how naive I was to think things could ever be so simple,
And can you live with what you know about yourself,
When you're all alone, behind closed doors?
The things we never said, but we always knew were right there.
It's got me on my knees in a bathroom,
Praying to a God that I don't even believe in,
'Well, dear Jesus, are you listening?
If this is the one chance that really matters,
Well, don't let me fuck this up.
If you'd told me about all this when I was fifteen,
I never would have believed it.'
-Against Me! "Tonight we're gonna give it 35%"
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